Daleks Kill Everybody
by AlchemistNemesis
Summary: In this chapter - wait, it's COMPLETE? Yeah...but there's very good news in the last chapter.
1. episode 1: seinfeld

Daleks Kill Everybody

By AlchemistNemesis

Episode 1: Seinfeld

(insert corny bassline here)

"George, have you ever noticed that 'dog' is such a weird word?" said Jerry, in that little restaurant they always go in, just called "Restaurant" for reasons beyond me, correct me if I'm wrong.

"What's weird about it?"

"Well, come on! It's 'God' spelled backwards for one thing, and it's only one syllable for something so—"  
"GOD DOES NOT EXIST, SPELLED BACKWARDS OR NOT."

"Hey, do you mind? Jerry and I were just—"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

"What the Hell is that, George?!" It was a couple of Daleks, but I can't tell them that, I'm the narrator.

George shrugged. "Must be a performance artist."

"You know, that's the thing—I just don't get performance artists. I don't!"

"CEASE TALKING, SO THAT YOU MAY BE EX-TER-MIN-A-TED!"

Jerry stood up. "Oh, yeah? I think it all depends on how you look at it. I mean, _you_ could stop 'ex-ter-min-a-ting,' as it were, and we could keep—"

"CEASE. TALKING."

"I think he's serious about this," said George.

"DALEKS ARE BEYOND SERIOUS."

Suddenly, Kramer and Elaine came in.

"Yeah," said Jerry, "do what you will, just don't make her dance."

"Bite me," said Elaine.

"DALEKS DO NOT BITE, THEY EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" with a flash of insanely bright laser light, Elaine was dead on the floor.

"I wouldn't piss these guys off if I were you," said Kramer. "They're Daleks."

"You _know_ these guys?" said George.

"Tell them to do their performance art somewhere else," said Jerry.

"DALEKS HAVE NO NEED FOR ART."

"Of course I know them," said Kramer. "I owe that one five bucks."

"AND YOU HAVE NOT PAID BACK."

"I will!"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" Kramer was, well, ex-ter-min-a-ted.

"Oh, great," said George, "now we're the only surviving people of our little…uh…group thingy."

"DALEKS HAVE NO NEED FOR SURVIVORS." And then, Jerry and George were dead.

Next episode: Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.


	2. episode 2: harry potter

Episode 2: Harry Potter

(It was going to be Foster's home for imaginary friends, but one of my people that put me on their favorites likes that show, and I'd hate to lose him/her)

Scoreboard so far:

Kills of Humans: 4

Kills of Daleks: 0

"It's over, Voldemort!" shouted Harry in the deathly hallows. "I've got the last Horcrux, and I'm going to make a smoothie out of it and eat it!"

"Really? You do realize that Horcrux is a 3-months-dead salmon," said Voldemort.

"Damn, Voldemort, you've thought of everything!"

"I know. Ain't I just the cleverest?"  
"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" Three Daleks came out of nowhere just then.

"Hey!" said Harry. "You're those guys on Doctor Who! Dudley's just obsessed with that show."

"IDENTIFY DUDLEY."

"My stupid fat cousin."

"HE IS ALLIED WITH THE DOCTOR?!"

"You could say that."

"YOU ARE RELATED TO DUDLEY?!"

"Yes."

"THEN YOU ARE ALLIED WITH THE DOCTOR! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" And then the boy wizard fell on the floor with a blank expression on his face.

"Thanks!" said Voldemort.

"ARE YOU A DALEK?!"

"Nope."

"THEN YOU MUST BE EX-TER-MIN-A-TED!"

"I'm evil!"

"HE HAS A POINT, DALEK-FAK."

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"  
"YOU HAVE A BETTER POINT, DALEK-FAK!"

And Voldemort fell on the ground, too.

"REPORT THIS TO THE DALEK EMPEROR."

"WILL DO."

A hologram came up out of nowhere of the emperor.

"YOUR HIGHNESS, DALEK-FAK HAS KILLED HARRY POTTER. AND VOLDEMORT."

"_DALEK-FAK, YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE DALEKS!_" shouted the emperor.

"EXPLAIN."

"_I HAVE NOT FINISHED READING DEATHLY HALLOWS YET AND YOU HAVE SPOILED THE ENDING._ _NOW I KNOW THAT HARRY POTTER DIES!_"

"HE DOES?! YOU HAVE ALSO SPOILED THE ENDING FOR ME."

"_YOU HAVE SPOILED THE ENDING FOR BOTH OF US. I CHECKED THE BACK OF THE BOOK, AND HARRY POTTER IS KILLED BY DALEK-FAK! JK ROWLING PROBABLY HASN'T EVEN HEARD OF DALEKS._"

"FORGIVE ME, YOUR HIGHNESS!"

_"DALEKS HAVE NO ROOM FOR FORGIVENESS! EX-TER-MIN-ATE HIM!"_

And then Dalek-Fak exploded at the hand of the other two Daleks. It was a dark day in Dalek history, because Dalek-Fak always did the coffee runs at meetings. And the coffee kicked ass.

Scoreboard:

Kills of Humans: 6

Kills of Daleks: 1


	3. episode 3: spongebob

Episode 3: Spongebob

Scoreboard:

Kills of humans: 6

Kills of Daleks: 1

"PLANKTON!" shouted Mr. Krabs. "You've come to steal me secret formuler! Again!"

"No, actually, I had to use the little (little little little little microscopic) boy's room since the one at the chum bucket is broken," said the aptly-named green small thing. "But I did pay someone to steal it for me!"

"OH BOY! PLOT EXPOSITION!" screamed Patrick and Spongebob, rushing over to plankton to hear the plot thickening.

"…anyway, I commissioned the Daleks to come down to the Krusty Krab, and if you won't give me the formula, they'll blow you all to kingdom come!"

Surely enough, two Daleks slowly floated down the depths of the ocean to Bikini Bottom—spewing sparks and smoke bubbles.

"DALEKS!" shouted Squidward in a burst of joy. "The swift and sure route to the mercy of death that fate has denied me!" He came rushing out to meet the Daleks.

"Hey, trash can plunger things! Did you know that squids are actually superior to Daleks? Especially ones that play clarinets. Sad, but true. Oh, well, I don't see any tentacles or woodwinds on you, so it looks like you'll always be one step behind."

No response. They still were smoking and sparking.

"…well? Aren't you gonna…y'know…EX-TER-MIN-ATE me?"

"WE'D…LOVE…TO…BUT…DALEKS…CANNOT…SWIM!"

Then they both imploded in a mess of circuitry and weird-colored Dalek blood. Squidward decided to actually learn from his mistake for once.

…this meaning he picked up the Dalek laser cannon and made the Krusty Krab explode.

"WHY?!" screamed Spongebob, running away, on fire. "WHY AM I ON FIRE UNDERWATER?! OH GOD, WHY?!"

Scoreboard:

Kills of humans: 6

Kills of sea creatures: 4 (Patrick, Spongebob, Mr. Krabs, Plankton—no customers were inside the Krusty Krab)

Kills of Daleks: 3


	4. episode 4: fanfics

Episode 4: Note: This was going to be Pirates of the Carribean, but fear not, it's now the next episode. I just got a great idea, and I have to stick it in.

SCOREBOARD:  
Kills of humans: 6

Kills of sea creatures: 4

Kills of Daleks: 3

Bobby LaGenerique was a 39-year-old virgin, still named Bobby for some reason. His best friend was the dusty HP desktop he named "Excalibur," which took residence in his mother's guest bathroom because the basement flooded.

Bobby sat in the bathtub, which was now filled with Pikachu-themed pillows to construct a makeshift bed. On the nightstand he brought in was this desktop, which was just booting up for his job. Of course, Bobby was unemployed with a long streak of part-timers he was fired from, so he drowned his miseries in flaming other people's fanfics.

He found his next victim in the Doctor Who section.

DALEKS ARE SUPERIOR, A DOCTOR WHO FANFIC  
BY DALEKEMPEROR

THE DOCTOR WENT TO A MCDONALDS AND CHOKED ON A FRENCH FRY, LEAVING HIM UNCONSCIOUS. THEN FIVE HUNDRED DALEKS BLEW UP SAID MCDONALDS, AND THE DOCTOR'S HEAD LANDED IN ARGENTINA.

AN ARGENTINIAN DALEK NOTICED THE HEAD AND PICKED IT UP.

"EL DOCTOR! EL ENEMIGO DE TODOS LOS DALEKS! EX-TER-MIN-AR!" THE DOCTOR'S HEAD WAS EXTERMINATED, AND MOLECULES OF THE DOCTOR'S HEAD WERE DISPERESED THROUGHOUT THE GALAXY, TAINTING ALL THAT THEY PASS THROUGH BY 23 PERCENT.

HOWEVER, THERE WAS NO LONGER A TANGIBLE DOCTOR TO STOP THE DALEKS, SO THE EARTH'S LIVING POPULATION WAS EXTERMINATED, SPARING ONLY SINGLE-CELLED ORGANISMS.

ALL HAIL THE DALEKS.

FIN.

To Bobby, this was an absolute gold mine of, shall we say, flammable material.

This was his review:

Dear DALEKEMPEROR:

Congratulations, you have created the worst piece of (expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive). Every time I look at it, my eyes turn to (expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive). I suggest you kill yourself with a scalpal. Have a nice day.

Bobby sat back and made an evil cackle as the review was sent. In exactly 4 seconds, five Daleks busted through his door. This was inconvenient because the bathroom was very small. Bobby, in a startled daze, was unaware that he turned on the bathtub's faucet.

"PIKACHU!" he screamed, turning it off. "Don't worry, Pikachu, it's okay, I know that you're weak to water."

"CEASE. TALKING."

Bobby stood up. "So I've offended DALEKEMPEROR?"

"YOU HAVE OFFENDED _THE_ DALEK EMPEROR."

"Well, I was just being honest."

"THIS IS INCORRECT."

"Uh, no."

"IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR INFERIOR HUMAN EYES TO TURN INTO (expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive-expletive), SO YOU ARE INCORRECT."

"Look, I'm doing a great justice here! I'm ridding the world of horrendous fanfics—like that of your emperor—to keep the English language pure."

There was a weird silence.

"BOBBY LAGENERIQUE, YOUR LOGIC ABSOLVES YOU."

"There, I knew you'd understand."

"YOU WILL NOW JOIN US IN OUR CONQUEST OF ALL LOWER LIFE FORMS, AS YOU DEMONSTRATE ALREADY."

"Wait, what?"

"YOU WILL BECOME A DALEK."

"Whoa, hold on here, I'm just—"

"YOU_ WILL_ BECOME A DALEK." And the five Daleks dragged him off, and after several hours of unimaginable, God-forsaken pain, Bobby became Dalek-Bob.

In the human world, Bobby was assumed to be dead. His mother would have attended the funeral, but she had a bingo tournament on the same day.


	5. episode 5: pirates of the caribbean

Episode 5: Pirates of the Caribbean

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 6

Kills of sea creatures: 4

Kills of Daleks: 3

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

"IT'S OVER, SPARROW!" shouted Davy Jones, who is awesome, as he drew his sword.

"Indeed it is!" said Jack Sparrow, who was about to fight Davy Jones, who is awesome, on the Flying Dutchman, which is awesome.

Then, there came a horrendous groaning sound from within the Flying Dutchman, which is awesome, and I wish I had one, 'cause it's the most pimped-out ride on the seven seas. I could go up to girls' houses and be all like "Hey baby!" and they'd be all like "ooh, he's got a pirate ship from hell, let's go check him out!"

I digress, although the Flying Dutchman IS awesome. I digress again—a crew member came up to Davy Jones, who is awesome, 'cause he plays a pipe organ his beard, and pipe organs are awesome, and beards are awesome. It's a win-win!

"Cap'n! Hate to interrupt, but some metal things are messing with your pipe organ! …which is awesome. AlchemistNemesis told me to say that."

"I'll deal with YOU later," said Davy to Jack.

"Really, then?" said Jack. "How do you know I won't just stab you in the back while you're walking away?"

"Because the author won't let you because he thinks I'm awesome!" Indeed I do, you pipe-organ-playin' octopus dude with a sword and a pimped-up pirate ship. I swear, if pirate ships had wheels, Mr. Jones, yours would have spinning rims.

Surely enough, there were three Daleks—one of them Dalek-Bob from the previous episode—smashing their bodies on the organ.

Davy the awesome tried to yell over the clamor. "YOU CALL THAT MUSIC?!"

"THIS IS NOT MUSIC," said Dalek-Bob, "THIS IS EAR TERRORISM!"

"Oh, so you're attacking me!"  
"NO, WE ARE JUST MAKING IT REALLY INCONVENIENT FOR YOU. THIS IS OUR ATTACK. EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

And Davy jones was fried. He somehow decided to be all cartoony about it and came out of the laser blast looking exactly like a Red Lobster combo plate. While I am displeased with the Daleks for killing Davy Jones, I bet that Red Lobster combo plate tasted awesome.

"I'LL SUBMERGE THE SHIP!" said a crew member. "I READ EARLIER IN THE FIC THAT THESE GUYS CAN'T SWIM!"

"Earlier in the fic?" said Jack Sparrow. "I'm so dreadfully sorry to tell you this, love, but the Internet isn't invented yet, and accordingly is a distant hope for the future, savvy?"

"Yeah, well, there's a really simple explanation for that, and—"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" and Jack and that crew member were dead. The Daleks flew off to the next world.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 7

Kills of sea creatures: 6 (Davy Jonesians count)

Kills of Daleks: 3

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1


	6. episode 6: high school musical

Episode 6: High School Musical

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 7

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 3

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

There was a basketball game at that school they always set it in. Whoop dee friggin' doo.

And they played. And played.

Looks like the Daleks…uh…aren't coming.

Disney wouldn't let them.

Ah, that's a shame.

I guess I'll have to stop—

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" Two Daleks blasted down the walls to the gym. Everyone ran away screaming.

"What do we do what do we do what do we DO?!" said Gabriella. Said Gabriella. Said Gabriella. Troy checked the discipline handbook.

"In case of a school shooting," he read aloud, "all students, faculty, and staff must…break out into song and dance?"

"Well, in case you've forgotten," said the guy that Corbin plays, who shall be referred to as that, or rather, TGTCP, because I'm too lazy to look on Wikipedia and search for Corbin Bleu because Wikipedia isn't intimidating me! I WILL NOT BE PUSHED AROUND! VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

I digress. As TGTCP was saying, "that's the school policy for everything. Why else do you think our fire alarm is a beatboxer?"

So they sang that "We're all in this together" dealie. And somehow, I wasn't amused. I was even further not amused when the two Daleks exploded as a result. I was slightly more amused when the TARDIS landed in the gym. It was the Doctor and Martha, tracking the Daleks.

"Amazing!" said the Doctor, closely examining the remains. "Daleks must have a horrendous weak point to overfunded Disney stupidity!"

"Oh yeah?" said Troy, waltzing up to the Doctor. "You don't look like Simon Cowell to me."

"Oh, really? So we English are all Simon Cowell? Some of us have sonic screwdrivers, you know." He pointed the screwdriver's blue light at Troy.

"…must…eat…self!" Troy began to voraciously try to devour his own hand, writhing on the floor in pain and testosterone-induced fury.

"Wait," said TCTCP, "you're saying that we're somehow funded by Disney?"

"They've realized they're a manifestation of an alternate reality," said Martha.

"Correct. We have to leave. This instant. Run. Go. Do. Now." And the Doctor and Martha dashed into the police box and disappeared.

Back at Disney studios, three shadowy figures in trench coats sat at a supercomputer in a room guarded by two steroid-blasted supersoldiers with thud clubs.

"Gawrsh," said the tallest, "it seems that the High School Musical kids realized the true nature of their state of being. A-hyuck!"

"They'll turn on us any minute!" said a stereotypical duck voice.

The third adjusted one of the two circles on his head. "They must be DESTROYED!" he said, hitting the delete key on the computer, thus wiping the entire High School Musical existence into complete obliteration. They cackled evilly, completely aware of their heinous deed.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 7

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1


	7. episode 7: dragonball z

Episode 7: Dragonball Z

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 7

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

"I AM A SUPER SAIYAN, AND I WILL DESTROY ALL EVIL!" yelled a yellow-haired Goku at the breaking point of his voice.

"Goku!" said Chi-Chi, hastily putting back together all the wall decorations in the room that were broken by SS Goku blinking. "Must you do this every time we have company?"

"SORRY, IT'S JUST I'M SO USED TO TURNING OUR COMPANY INTO CRATERS FIVE MILES AWAY BECAUSE _I AM A SUPER SAIYAN!_"

"You can stop shouting now."

"I'M ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL BEINGS IN THE UNIVERSE! _IF I STOP SHOUTING, IT LOSES ALL SYMBOLIC MEANING!_" Then, Goku struck a pose and the entire house blew up.

"Now look what you've done! …and our guests are here!"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" the guests were Dalek-Bob and two other Daleks.

"I know what those are!" said Gohan, jumping out of absolutely nowhere. "Those are Daleks! They're on Doctor Who!"

"YOU WATCH DOCTOR WHO?!" yelled Goku.

"Yeah. What's wrong?"

"YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE SAIYANS! YOU ARE ONLY SUPPOSED TO WATCH VIOLENT SHOWS THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY AND WANT TO SMASH EVERYTHING!"

"CEASE TALKING, HUMANS."

"See, Goku? Now you've made them angry. We're sorry, Mr. Dalek-Bob—"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" and Gohan fell down dead.

"YOU KILLED MY SON!" shouted Goku. "NOW YOU WILL FACE THE WRATH OF MY KAMEHAMEHA!"

"I WILL GIVE YOU 24 HOURS TO KILL US," said Dalek-Bob.

"THAT IS SUICIDE, DALEK-BOB!"  
"TRUST ME. I'VE SEEN THIS SHOW ENOUGH."

Goku drew in a long breath. "Ka…"

And an entire day passed. Dalek-Bob finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in half that time (and found out it was ruined by the Daleks in episode 2), and the other two Daleks crammed to finish their dissertations on the inferiority of humans.

Soon enough, the 24-hour mark came along. Goku was on the 4th syllable of "Kamehameha."

"TIME'S UP. EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" And Goku was exterminated.

"Oh, well," said Chi-Chi, "I guess I'm running this show now."

From then on, Dragonball Z was renamed Chi-Chi: Saiyan Princess.

…and it was cancelled after one episode.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 9

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1


	8. episode 8: borat

Episode 8: Borat

(Author's note: don't worry, I'll try to keep this one as clean as possible)

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 9

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

"BORAT!" screamed Azamat, running as fast as he could on Main street in Kuczek, Kazakhstan (in fact, it was the only thing that resembled a street in Kuczek). "THE DEMON TOILET IS AFTER ME!"

"Demon toilet?" said Borat, raising one eyebrow. "The doctorman said stay away from the alcohol. Demon toilets were hunted to extinction in the great Kazakhstan war of—"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" it was Dalek-Bob.

"…wa-wa-wee-wa. Azamat, this is no demon toilet, this is a Dalek."

"Dalek?!"

"You know, Dalek! You remember the great Kazakh children's universal creation tale? 'In the year 1422, the great terrible Dog-Dalek of Saturn pooped out the world as we know it into—'"

"THIS IS NOT TRUE DALEK ANECDOTE!"

Borat went up to the Dalek and tried to kiss him on both sides of his eye-probe. "Jagshemash, my name-a Borat—"

"CEASE THIS FOOLISH INFERIOR BEHAVIOR OR YOU BE EX-TER-MIN-A-TED BEYOND EX-TER-MIN-A-TION!"

"Mr. Dalek, please turn Azamat and me into Daleks so that we may destroy all lower life forms!"

"Wait! Borat!" Azamat pulled Borat away for a second. "You really want to be turned into that…that THING?!"

"Azamat, do you want it to kill us both? Let the baby have his vodka."

"You mean 'let the baby have his bottle?'"

"Is that not what I said?!"  
"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

Borat got down on his knees and offered a sacrifice of a dead fish he was carrying with him. "Oh, Mr. Dalek, please accept this offering of fish so that you may spare our lives. I can make a great Dalek! I can move my arms, I can yell, I can, you know, GERM-IN-ATE!"

"THE PROPER TERM IS: _EX-TER-MIN-ATE!_" And Borat was zapped with Azamat.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 11

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1


	9. episode 9: wizard of oz

Author's Note: Sorry about the hiatus. The fic is not over, and won't be for some time. Sorry if this chapter sucks a little, I've been focusing my writerly energy on non-Dalek-related things, but I assure you, this will continue to be updated.

Episode 9: Wizard of Oz

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 11

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

"Toto?" said Dorothy. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

"TALKING TO DOGS IS ILLOGICAL," screamed a squeaky Dalek voice. "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Glinda. "Sorry about that. I'm Glinda, and I'm a good witch, watch out for the bad witch, blah blah blah."

"What was that creature that just spoke?" said Dorothy.

"Oh, that was a Munch-Dalek. They're annoying miniature Daleks."

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" chorused the entire Munch-Dalek town. Dorothy was assaulted from all angles with one-percent-strength Dalek lasers.

"Ow! Ah! Eep! Yow!"

"Just follow the yellow brick road out of here. Quickly."

And so Dorothy waltzed down the yellow brick road with first-degree burn marks all over. Then, she saw a larger Munch-Dalek, large enough to not be considered a Dalek, with a straw hat, attatched to a pole.

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" shouted the Dalek. There was a peculiar pause. "UH…WHICH ARM EX-TER-MIN-ATES, AGAIN?"

"The plunger," said Dorothy.

The plunger attachment moved a little. "THIS IS INCORRECT!" said the Dalek. "ONCE I FIGURE OUT WHICH IS THE PROPER PART, YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-A-TED!"

"Are you a scarecrow?" said Dorothy.

"I AM A CROW EX-TER-MIN-A-TOR," said the Dalek. "ALL CROWS MUST BE DESTROYED. AND YET I HAVE LOWER INTELLIGENCE THAN MOST CROW EX-TER-MIN-A-TORS."

"Hey!" said Dorothy. "I've got an idea! The good witch Glinda told me to go down this road. I assume that something good is at the end of it, and maybe whatever it is can give you a brain!"

"AN ADEQUATE IDEA FROM AN INFERIOR." The Crow Exterminator followed Dorothy down the road to the woods.

It was in these woods where they noticed a silver Dalek with a funnel for a head.

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" it said.

"THIS WOMAN IS A FRIEND TO THE DALEKS," said the Crow Exterminator.

"DALEKS HAVE NO NEED FOR FRIENDS! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" The funnel-head Dalek shot a laser, missed, and in doing so, melted his laser blaster.

"Why, you're made of tin!" said Dorothy.

"TIN, WHICH IS INFERIOR TO DALEKANIUM," said the Tin Dalek. "THIS IS THE THIRD LASER BLASTER I'VE RUINED THIS WEEK, AND I GET DENTS EASILY."

"Maybe the thing at the end of this road—whatever it is—can help you get stronger armor!"

"YOU MEAN THE WIZARD OF OZ IN EMERALD CITY?"  
"That's what it is?"

"CORRECT."

So they went off.

"We're off to see the wizard—"

"DO. NOT. SING." said the two Daleks at the same time.

Then they went in…uh…some more woods. Dorothy came across another Dalek, with a lion mane and a tail.  
"EX-TER-MIN-"

"Oh, no! Another Dalek!"

"DALEKS?! WHERE?!" And the Lion Dalek floated up a tree.

"YOU ARE AFRAID OF YOUR OWN KIND?!" said the Tin Dalek.

"WELL, I KNOW I WON'T EX-TER-MIN-ATE MYSELF!"

"COWARD."

"Hey, maybe the Wizard of Oz can help you get courage!"

"WELL, ALL RIGHT, BUT IS THE WIZARD A DALEK?!"

Then they found a horrendous green person that was not a Dalek, but still icky.  
"I AM THE WICKED WITCH OF—"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" said the Cowardly Dalek, firing his laser with a direct hit.

"AAAGH!" said the witch. "Now look what you've done! I'm melting!"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE FASTER!" the Cowardly Dalek kept firing, but the process was not being sped up. Sucks to be them.

"So," said Dorothy to the Wizard, "we've killed some kinda witch, and I hope that somehow goes towards the Crow Exterminator getting intelligence, the Tin Dalek getting a stronger chassis, and the Cowardly Dalek getting some courage."

The other green person, which was a monstrous green head this time, said, "Well, let me think about it…"

Then Toto pulled back the curtain, and some guy was controlling the whole green-dude apparatus.

"Oh!" he said. "Sorry, I'll just get you your—"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" the Cowardly Dalek killed the real wizard.

"GET THE GOODS AND GO!" said the Tin Dalek. "DOROTHY, DISPOSE OF THE BODY!"

"How do I get home, though?"

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW? TAKE THE BUS OR SOMETHING!"

And that was when Dorothy woke up.

"Oh, my," she said, with her family around her in bed. "I had the most wonderful dream. And you were there! And you were there, too! And all three of those Daleks here were there, and—oh, _crap, _they're here too."

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

And the Daleks killed Auntie Em, Dorothy, three other dudes that normally played the scarecrow, cowardly lion, and tin man, and—wait, were they even in this? Ah, who gives a flying bleep—and they spared Toto for reasons unknown to this day.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 16

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1


	10. epsode 10: LOTR

Episode 10: Lord of the Rings

(AN: Isis, the Yugioh chapter is coming next)

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 16

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

"Comes, Hobbittses!" said Gollum, leading Sam and Frodo somewhere in the plains that matters to the LOTR story and not to mine, so I'm not going to say it, you stupid moron idiot poop head."

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" Three Daleks came up to the three not-Daleks. Gee, I never ever saw that coming.

"GAH!" shouted Gollum. "THEY COMES TO STEAL THE PRECIOUS!"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"  
"THE PRECIOUS!"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

"THE PRECIOUS!"

"What are they doing?" said Sam.

"Catch phrase war," said Frodo.

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"  
"THE PRECIOUS!"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"  
"THE PRECIOUS!"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"  
"THE PRECIOUS!"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"  
"THE PRECIOUS!"

Gollum thought for a few seconds, and then:  
"EX-TER-MIN-ATE-SES!"

"THE PRECIOUS!" said the Dalek.

"WE TRICKSIES THE DALEKS!" Gollum did a little victory dance.

"All right," said Frodo, not amused, which, relatively speaking, is his way of being amused. "Now, how do we go about killing these things?"

"Never mind that!" said Sam. "There are orcs here!"

They both ran with Gollum, and before the Daleks could chase them, about 1.4 bazillion orcs came out from the horizon to attack the Elvish castle behind them.

"OH, SNAP," said a Dalek.

"WHAT?!"  
"I SAID OH, SNAP."

"THIS IS NOT PROPER DALEK DICTION."

"YOU'RE RIGHT!" said that Dalek, unzipping the back, and Snagglepuss popped out. "I'm not a Dalek! I'm Snaggle! Puss, even!"

"SNAGGLEPUSS IS UNKNOWN. IDENTIFY SNAGGLEPUSS!"

"You're right," said Snagglepuss, unzipping the back to reveal Bob Dylan.

"Eh Behb Dillin!"

"TALK CLEARER."

"EH BEHB DILLIN, YEH IDJITS! Y'kneh, 'eeeey mistuh tembereen mah, pleh a saw fer meh—'"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" and Bob Dylan was exterminated.

"THERE IS STILL THE ISSUE OF THE ORCS TO DEAL WITH."  
And with that, all 1.4 bazillion of the orcs were killed when the Daleks unleashed their super-ultra-mega-exterminate-attack, which we assume exists.

The Daleks were awarded a medal of bravery by the Dalek Emperor for their prowess in battle, but it was taken back when the Dalek Emperor realized that Daleks have no need for bravery.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 17

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Kills of orcs: 1.4 Bazillion

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1


	11. epsisode 11: The Revolution

Episode 11: "The Revolution"

This chapter was going to be Yugioh, but I realized that something caught my attention in a more urgent sense.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 17

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Kills of orcs: 1.4 Bazillion

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

It was just another sunny day in Cancun, Mexico—the favorite vacation retreat of all Daleks.

"MORE LEMONADE OR YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-A-TED!" shouted a Dalek that managed to lie down on a beach chair.

The waitress went over to the place where the lemonade is, wherever the hell that is, because I don't live in Cancun, although that would be nice, say, do you live in Cancun? Can I have your house? I'll give you my dog for it. You'll take good care of her, right? She's a sheltie.

ANYWAY…

As she was getting lemonade, a five-year-old boy sitting on a skateoard came around the corner, pushing himself with a meter stick.

"Who are you?" said the waitress, wondering if he was lost.

He replied:

"BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH"

It was heard for a ten-mile radius. The government sounded the air raid/spam sirens, and people fled to their homes, although no actual danger was present (but who'd risk it?)

The Daleks surrounded the boy. "CEASE SPAMMING, OR YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-A-TED!"

The kid raised an insane grin. "STURMINATE! STRUURJREMWREWOIPJWFDZLKJFJKOP goose."

"IDENTIFY GOOSE."

"GOOSE! GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE GOOSE—"  
"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" and a Dalek laser blasted the brat.

But he was still there!

"ILLOGICAL. EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE STILL ALIVE."

"JOIN THE REVOLUTION!"  
"EXPLAIN."

"Vive la revolucion!"

Then, one Dalek snapped.

"Okay, you need to seriously get a life. You are a lame piece of (censored) that probably (censored) his (censored censored zen sword Sent, Sir!)."

"DALEKS DO NOT FLAME."

"Are you kidding me? That's all we can do to this guy. He's reduced me to flaming because of—"

The other Dalek slapped that Dalek with the plunger…well, as much as he could with the plunger. "SNAP OUT OF IT! SAY "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

"No! He won't go away!"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE! 'EX…'"

"…TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

Then all the Daleks shot at the kid and blew him to kingdom come once and for all.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 17

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Kills of orcs: 1.4 Bazillion

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

**Kills for Justice: 1**


	12. episode 12: yugioh

Episode 12: Yugioh

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 17

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 5

Kills of orcs: 1.4 Bazillion

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

Kills for Justice: 1

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"  
"Ah!" said Yugi. "Someone wants to duel!"  
"SOMEONE WANTS TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

"Did you notice my hair? 'cause some people don't." He touched his hair for emphasis, and in doing so, cut his finger.

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" and Yugi was exterminated…but rejuvenated, because I want this fic to go on a little longer.

"I SUMMON BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON FROM MY MAGICAL ARM CARD THINGY OF SUPREME JUSTICE!"

And then a white dragon with blue eyes (duh, what else could it be, Kelsey Grammar?!) popped out. Then he removed the zipper from his back to reveal Kelsey Grammar (…never mind.).

"NOW CAN I EX-TER-MIN-ATE YOU?!"

"First I have to loudly declare what I'm going to do next!"

"OH, COME ON!" Out of frustration, a Dalek threw itself at Yugi—and was impaled on his hair, which can slice through Dalekanium.

"Ha! Did you not notice my secret weapon?!"

"WHY IS YOUR VOICE SO LOW FOR A KID?!" said another Dalek.

"Because I reached puberty at 2! DUH!"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" and Yugi was exterminated, leaving the Daleks to go on to Yugioh GX…later.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 18

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 6

Kills of orcs: 1.4 Bazillion

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

Kills for Justice: 1


	13. meanwhile, in the afterlife

Meanwhile, in the afterlife…

A sandy, quiet beach…

"TRIPLE MUTHA TRUCKIN' WORD SCORE!" shouted Rose Tyler, slamming the last "Z" on the Scrabble board. "IN YOUR FACE, ADOLF HITLER!"

Hitler rested his head in his right hand. "Ach du lieber…"

"Wait," said Tupac. "'MISIODFPZ' isn't a word."

"Well," said Abraham Lincoln, "Mr. Square-mustache over here seems to think 'Reichstag' is a word. What's that, some kind of turtle?"

"LINCOLN! NO MAKEN DER FUN AUF DER THIRDEN REICH!"

"Oh, can it, Hitler," said Rose.

The argument eventually picked up in tempo, and soon enough, Hitler pulled out a pistol, Lincoln whipped out a bolt-action rifle, Tupac whipped out a .9 mm, and Rose got a couple of uzis, and everyone started firing at each other.

_I love already being dead,_ said Rose, being assaulted with bullets.

"I do say, my good lady," said captain Jack Sparrow, "where's the nearest McDonald's and/or liquor store?"

"You're DEAD," said Rose. "There aren't any McDonaldses, and all the Liquor is cheap Vodka that Aeris Gainsborough somehow gets a hold of."

"JaCk SpArRrRrRrRrRrOwWwWw!" said Aeris, limping over with a half-empty bottle of Vodka. "YoU sO SEXXXXY!!!"

"Can we bring some attention to the fact that I'M ON DRY LAND HERE AND IT'S TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT?!" said Davy Jones.

"Heeeeeeeeey," said Aeris, "hoo's da octopus dude? He's sexxxxxy TOO! ROWWR!" Then she passed out.

"Hi, guys," said Yugi, "I'm new here. Didja notice my hair? Don't touch it or anything."

"NOW he tells me," said Kramer, trying to stop the bleeding on his hand.

"You think you've got it bad," said Harry Potter, "I have to be stuck here with Voldemort. And he's very annoying." While he was saying that, Voldemort was currently in the process of beating Harry with his own hand, saying "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!"

"Okay, what brought all you guys here, anyway?" said Rose.

"Demon toilets," said Borat.

….

"Well, they look like demon toilets!"

"Daleks?" said Rose.  
"Yeah, Daleks," said Jack Sparrow.

"Well…we're dead, so it's not like they're going to bother us anymore."

Then, a five-year-old on a skateboard came up.

"BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH—"  
"What the hell is that thing?!" said Honest Abe.

"You don't wanna know," said Rose.

"Wait," said Harry Potter, "The Daleks probably brought him here."

"They did?!" said Rose. "Okay, that does it, we're going to rise from the dead and stop the Daleks!

…later!

…cuz now I'm beating Hitler at Scrabble!"

"Mein Gott…"


	14. episode 13: sailor moon

Episode 13: Sailor Moon

(note: don't get mad about the German stereotypes. I only do it to Nazis—Germans kick ass nowadays.)

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 18

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 6

Kills of orcs: 1.4 Bazillion

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

Kills for Justice: 1

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" a Dalek appeared on the streets of Japan in front of Sailor Moon.

"HOLY POPE-STABBING MOTHERF— I mean, uh, EEK! A DALEK! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

"…THIS IS ILLOGICAL. YOU ARE A HEROINE, AND YET YOU ASK FOR HELP!"

"Yeah, I know, it sucks, but sometimes—"

A rose-dart-thing shot down at the Dalek.

"…Tuxedo Mask appears,_ then _I kick your ass. It's a package deal."

A weirdo in a mask and a tuxedo (what'd you expect? A bearskin loincloth and a giant lollipop?!) was on the streetlamp above.

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah BLAH blah-blah," he said, before attempting to dart off, but then he was exterminated. He fell to the ground with a dull thud.

"HOLY DECAPITATE-THE-POPE INCESTUOUS—I mean, uh, oh no! You killed Tuxedo Mask!"  
"I'm not dead yet!"  
"_Yes you are, don't interrupt me!_" She then busted a few caps in him and proceeded to attack the Dalek.  
Unsuccessfully.

The poor, sad little person.

Thought they could kill a Dalek.

With me around.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

…do excuse me. ANYWAY…

Tux Mask and Sailor Moon suddenly appeared in the afterlife.

"Welcome," said Rose Tyler. "We're planning the destruction of the Daleks from beyond the grave. I assume the Daleks brought you here."

"Hey," said TM, "Is that Harry Potter?! How did he die?!"

"Oh, great," said Jerry Seinfeld, "now you ruined it for me."

"He's standing right there!"

"Well, I obviously didn't know! The _nerve_ of some people."

"EEK!" eeked Sailor Moon the eekish. "ADOLF HITLER!"

"Mein Gott! Der Fraulein Sailor Moon! Ich ben ein biggest fan!"  
"Uh…okay…"  
"I memorizen der glorious Fraulein Sailor Moon anthem! MUSIK, GENERIC DJ! EINE! ZWEI! DREI! VIER!

SHE IST KILLING DER EVILS IN DER MOONLIGHT  
SEDUCING ZE HERRS IN DER DAYLIGHT  
SHE UBER-BOMBS DER COMMUNISTS FOR ZEY BITE

ILST EH UN FRAULEIN SAILOR MOON! 

SAILOR MARS BLITZKRIEGEN DER LONDON

SAILOR MERCURY INVADEN DER POLAND

SAILOR VENUS ENSUREN ZAT FRANCE IS DONE

SEIG HEIL SUPREME FRAULEIN SAILOR MOON!

_SHE IST DER SUPREME WEAPON AUF DEUTSCHLAND,_ _**SAILOR MOON!**_"

"I…really don't recall being the supreme weapon of Deutschland," said Sailor Moon.

"He gets the dubbed episodes," said Tupac.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 20

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 6

Kills of orcs: 1.4 Bazillion

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

Kills for Justice: 1


	15. episode 14: 300

Episode 14: 300

Author's Note: Sorry about the long wait. A little flamer indirectly begged me for updates, so I thought: what the hell. This chapter is short, but as always, I go for quantity, not quality.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 20

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 6

Kills of orcs: 1.4 Bazillion

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

Kills for Justice: 1

"SPARTA!!! PREPARE FOR GLORY!!!" shouted Gerard Butler to his men on a mountain pass.

"Hey," said a Spartan, "we've been preparing for some kind of glory for quite a while now, what exactly is this glory?"  
"_TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!!!_"

"We…got that part, sir."  
"_**THIS!!! IS!!! SPART—**_" suddenly, he fell on the ground gasping and choking.

"Oh dear," said a Spartan doctor. "He's destroyed his own voice box."

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" Three Daleks came over the Grecian ridge.

"Oh crap," said another Spartan. "Without our invincible leader's voice, we won't have enough morale to fight these…things!"

Then the commander got the first idea he had since he was six—he used sign language. Violent sign language.

"What's he saying?" said one.

"I can't see it!"

"I don't know sign language! It hasn't been invented yet!"

Then the commander just had enough, gave his men the finger, and went to the Daleks himself. He was exterminated. The poor thing, he was so cute and dangerous, but mostly dangerous, and, uh, not cute. At all.

"Our leader's dead!"  
"We have no way of knowing what he wanted us to do!"

"Looks like we'll have to surrender."

They dropped their weapons…and were exterminated. HAHA losers.

Later, the Daleks were standing on a pile of charred Spartan corpses.

"IT'S A SHAME, REALLY," said one. "I LIKE FRANK MILLER."

"DALEKS HAVE NO ROOM FOR SHAME! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" and that Dalek was killed.

SCOREBOARD:

Kills of humans: 320 (whoa)

Kills of sea creatures: 6

Kills of Daleks: 7

Kills of orcs: 1.4 Bazillion

Conversions of humans into Daleks: 1

Realities destroyed: 1

Kills for Justice: 1


	16. Final chapter: All is NOT lost!

Final Chapter: All is NOT lost!

Yes, I've decided to discontinue Daleks Kill Everybody after not updating it…but only in _this_ format!

A retelling of the DKE odyssey will be available by this Wednesday…in the form of…dun dun dun….drumroll…fanfare…

A computer game! Specifically: an interactive fiction text adventure, like Zork.

It will be written in Z-code. It can be played with a z-interpreter, like Zoom on the Mac or Frotz on the PC or…uh, something…for Linux. It will include some of the classic areas of murder, such as Seinfeld and High School Musical, but there will be more death in even more areas, such as Kingdom Hearts and Heroes.

You will find the URL in my profile on Wednesday. Thank you so much for your loyalty to the righteous cause of Daleks killing everybody.


End file.
